i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
