I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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