Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
