just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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