i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
