Sry I called you an 8
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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