What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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