Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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