i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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