I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
