you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
