thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
