We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
