this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
