It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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