Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I stole a fireplace last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
