So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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