I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
