my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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