fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
