Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
