I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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