Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize