what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
