I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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