Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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