Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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