Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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