Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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