Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
