my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
