I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
