I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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