I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
