You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
send nudes
from the living room?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
