my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
