Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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