The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
