My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
