I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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