I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
