I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
