The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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