so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
