I will die if light touches me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
