I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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