Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also, beer. Big fan.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
