The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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