"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
