My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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