I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
