there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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