woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
