I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
