And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
