U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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