if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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