is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
