Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She said her name was "party"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
